38 replies to this topic

[reaper68]

Tell me a Joke
make me laugh or smile please!

i'll start:

five secrets to a perfect relationship:
1) its important to have a woman who helps at home and knows how to cook, clean & has a job.
2) its important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3) its important to have a woman you can trust and wants only you.
4) its important to have a woman who is good in bed & enjoys being with you.
5) its absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other.

Edited by reaper68, 03 May 2012 - 12:55 AM.

[Yuto]

What kind of joke? Mine is kinda rated "M" for mature

Which means it's a dirty sex joke.

[PokeSTD's]

yo momma's so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose.

[Hentai K.]

Three doctors from three different countries gathered together.

The first one said "We have a patient who lost a leg, we gave him an artificial leg who won a gold medal"

The second one said "That's nothing, we have a patient who lost an arm. We gave him an artificial arm and won the world series"

The third one said "Those cannot hold a candle to our patient who lost a head. We gave him an artificial head and became the PRESIDENT"

Edited by Hentai K., 03 May 2012 - 05:30 AM.

[2bigpigs]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Yuto]

What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?

You can't jelly your **** into a dead girl

[reaper68]

wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning; "windows frozen, what do i do?"
husband texts back; "pour some luke-warm water over it"
wife texts back; "hi again, my computer is completely f***ed now"

[Yuto]

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

[reaper68]

A guy is watching the TV and suddenly yells,
"Don't enter that church, you daft c**t!!"
His wife runs in and asks him "what are you watching?"
the guy replies "our wedding video"

[Chiri Kitsu]

Yo, that's jamzemu's joke, he owns copyright on that!

[reaper68]

I went to the pub last night and there was this fat girl dancing on a table.
I walked passed and said "f***ing amazing legs"
The girl giggled and said with a smile "do you really think so"
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collaspsed by now"!!

.

I had a near miss yesterday.
I walked into Homebase the D.I.Y store and some old guy dressed in green asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Edited by reaper68, 06 May 2012 - 06:52 PM.

[Hentai K.]

[reaper68]

A Jack Russell and an Alsatian are in the vet's waiting room.
The Alsatian says "alright little mate. What you in here for?"
The Jack Russell replies "well one day I was in the garden, when I smell a poodle on heat next door. I couldn't resist it so I digs under the fence and gets in there with her. After I'd done the deed I go back and fill the hole in. Unfortunately ten weeks later out pops these Jack Russell/ poodle cross pups. So I'm here for the old snip!"
"Bloody hell that’s harsh" responds the Alsatian”
So mate what you here for then?" enquires the Jack Russell
"Well one evening I was warming myself by the fire when I hear this crash upstairs. I go rushing up there and finds the mistress naked leaning over the bath. Well what could I do? I jumps up and does the deed with her"...
"So you're here for the snip as well?" the Jack asks sympathetically.
"Nah said the Alsatian, just here to get me nails clipped"

[jamzemu]

<sup>What do you get when you put an electrical current through a jar of jam?

Jamzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!</sup>

lol... what the hell...
haha... i cant believe you just sniped that out of my sig... how dare you...

Yo, that's jamzemu's joke, he owns copyright on that!

Meru... I order you to BAN HIIIIM!!!



Anyway guys, carry on!!!

[reaper68]

A farmer gets a call from his son.
"Dad I’ve just run over a pig. It’s still alive, but it’s stuck under the tractor, what should i do?"
farmer replies "get your gun and shoot it in the head, and bury it”.
About an hour later the farmer gets another call from his son.
“Dad I’ve done that, now what should i do with his speed camera?"

[Ashera]

So this guy comes into a bar carrying his kid. His kid was born with birth defects--no limbs, no torso. But it's the kid's 21st birthday, so his dad brought him to the bar for his first drink. The bartender serves them a beer. The dad asks for a straw so the kid can drink it. They get a straw, the kid starts drinking, and BAM! A torso pops out of his neck. The dad can't say anything for a while he's so astounded. The kid asks for another beer. The bartender gives it to him, he starts drinking, and POP! POP! Two arms pop out. Another beer, and two legs appear. The dad's crying so hard now he can't see and thanking the bartender over and over. The kid's tottering around on his brand-new legs. He manages to stagger out of the bar into the street, trips, and gets run over by a car.

The bartender tsks and says "He should have quit while he was a head."

[reaper68]

I pulled an older woman at a night club the other day.
She was 61 but looks really good for her age.
On the way back to her house i was thinking to himself,
I bet her daughter is hot.
When out of the blue she asks me if I’d like a sportsman’s double.
What’s that? I said,
it’s a mother and daughter 3 some she says.
Wow yes please i said.
So as we go through the front door, she puts the hall way light on and shouts....... Mum are you still awake!!!!

[reaper68]

Jen's friend Debbie complains she’s got a sore throat.
Jen said, when I've got a sore throat I give my husband a blow job & it makes it all better.
The Next day Debbie comes in singing.
Jen said, how did it go last night?
Brilliant, said Debbie, but your husband couldn't believe it was all your idea!!

[reaper68]

A little boy asks his dad
“Where does poo come from dad?"
His dad explains”
Well son, food passes down the Oesophagus by peristalsis.
It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal.
This extracts the protein before waste product enters the colon.
Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".
"Blimey" says the little lad. "So where does Tiger come from then?”

A university student was delivers a pizza to an old man's house.
"I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student,
"but the other guy who does deliveries here told me not to expect too much off you – he said if I got 50p, I'd be very lucky."
The old man looks hurt.
"Well, just to prove him wrong, here's £5.
"Thanks" says the student.
so what are you studying?" said the old man.
"Applied psychology," replies the student.

[reaper68]

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and says:
“Why are you digging that big deep hole?”
“My goldfish died,” the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
“I'm really sorry to hear that,” the neighbour says,
“but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?”
The little girl gives him an evil look. “Because it's inside your cat.”